Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
