i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
