I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
