I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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