"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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