I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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