Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
