i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
