Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
