I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
