return my video game
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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