Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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