I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
