like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
