I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
