I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
