Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
