My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize