hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize