I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
