In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
