why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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