Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Your penis caused this!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
