Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
