If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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