11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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