she was so not down for the gang bang
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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