I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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