I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
