You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
