yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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