I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
