just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
