Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
