I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
