I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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