Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
