Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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