my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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