You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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