Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
