We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
