can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
