At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
