Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
