his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
