i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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