My friends, they love my intelligence
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
