I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
