im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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