Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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