just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
