and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize