I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
