Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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