My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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