I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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