I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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