there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
